Of Praxians and Organic Felines
by Reclusive Owl
Summary: Did you know a Praxian purrs when their doorwings are pet? Did you know that petting Prowl is a really BAD idea? Warning: total crack fic with mild gore (but that's at the end, so you could probably skip it...) TRI-SHOT
1. Chapter 1

**Of Praxians and Organic Felines: Chappie 1**

 **A/N: Hello all! R. Owl here, bringing you another story~! Don't worry, don't worry, I'm not stopping writing the next chapter for Playing War! It's coming, but the Muse is meaner than a scraplet when I try to tell her that I need to work on that... Plus, I'm at college now, so I have to write actual _work_ papers instead of just fanfiction... *pouts* BUT! I do have this adorable little crack tri-shot that I made for you all! Just to tide you over. Please enjoy and I promise to have the next PW chappie up soon! Read  & Review! ;P  
(Quick WARNING: this is a total crack fic so expect OOCness from pretty much everyone)**

 **Disclaimer: I, in no way, shape, or form, own the franchise known as Transformers (at least, not in _this_ universe). I am merely here for the enjoyment of screwing around with their characters and playing in their sandbox.**

 **Now, onto the story!~**

_I Am LINE BREAK_

The battle had been an unusually short one. The distress call had originated from a power plant fairly close to the _ARK_ , so it only took a mere human hour to race to the rescue. By the time they'd gotten there, Megatron had already scrapped Starscream for some unknown reason, but was most likely a sarcastic comment made by the annoying Seeker. With the Air Commander out of the equation, the disorganized Decepticon air forces were easily taken down by Bluestreak's sniper fire. Without air support, the other Decepticon forces were easily picked off by the Autobot's own flight capable mechs. Following the cold commands given to them over the comm.s, the Autobots quickly pushed the advantage and soon the only 'con still able to put up any real fight was Megsie himself. Seeing the way the Autobots had fairly easily destroyed his forces, Megatron had a moment of clarity, and he (in a surprisingly intelligent move) called for a full retreat all the while swearing his revenge (again).

The entire encounter had lasted a mere fifteen human minutes.

The resounding cheer through the comm.s pretty much guaranteed there would be a party later on, and most of the victorious Autobot forces headed back towards the _ARK_. Only one black and white remained behind to deal with the humans and the technical details.

Prowl vented in exasperation when he was once again left behind to deal with the aftermath of the battle by himself, but began to take inventory of all the damage caused and calculate the repair costs… if only being part of the Autobots didn't mean he was practically obligated to fix the damage caused by their enemies, but alas, they were the "good guys" and it was their "responsibility" to fix damage the "bad guys" did… He knelt down to speak with the police officer that had just arrived, and tried to ignore the flashes of cameras the new crews had brought.

Sometimes, Prowl really hated his job… especially when he was stuck with clean up duty.

_Partying Planning LINE BREAK_

It was close to another joor before Prowl made it back to the _ARK_. He suppressed the urge to vent again as he headed towards his office to start on the mountain of datapads that somehow was always generated from even the smallest of battles. He paused halfway there when his doorwings picked up hushed mutterings from a supposedly deserted hallway. Those datapads would need to wait. Doorwings flicking in annoyance at what was probably something that would bring him grief in the near future, he stealthily made his way towards the stairwell that was situated partway down the hall. The mutterings were echoing up from the storage deck and Prowl slowly made his way towards the source of the sound. He paused as he reached the next level when the whispers suddenly cut off.

"Did ya hear somethin' just now?" the voice was much clearer now that he was closer, and he recognized the distinct vocal tones of Jazz.

"No, I didn't hear a thing… What about you, Sunny?" the slightly muffled clang of metal hitting metal confirmed the presence of the twins even before Sunstreaker spoke.

"Do _not_ call me Sunny. And no, I didn't hear anything."

"Maybe you imagined it Jazz," Sideswipe's voice was quieter, and Prowl had to strain his sensors to hear Jazz's uncertain reply.

"Yeah, maybe… Let's get back ta plannin'."

Prowl listened from the alcove of the stairwell, trying to pinpoint their location. A few kliks later, he made his way silently to the second to last room on the right. Casually, he leaned against the wall next to the door, sensitive doorwings able to pick up everything from this distance with no need to interrupt just yet. It was always better to have information on whatever trouble these mechs were up to before it happened.

"'Kay, we established a time, but wha' exactly do we wan' ta happen? And how are we gonna keep Prowler away from it long enough ta at least have a bit o' party time?"

Prowl glanced at the door in mild surprise. Apparently, he'd found the trio of party planners in the middle of planning.

"Well… I'm not sure about Prowl, but I can provide the drinks. And didn't Blaster say a few days ago that he had some new tracks he liked? Why not have him pull something up?"

"Sounds good to me."

Prowl didn't move as he recorded while the three planned out the party, an idea forming. Reaching into his subspace, he pulled out a blank datapad while sending out a comm. link to Red Alert. As he listened to the group, he spoke with the paranoid mech about allowing a party later on in the solar cycle while simultaneously started a list on what they could have, what would need to be limited, and what would have to be banned. He included a curfew of 0200 hours… both for his sake and for Red Alert's, not to mention the duty roster.

"Yeah, Ah'm down wit tha'. So, are we goin' wit just a standard relax-it-by-getting'-overcharged kinda thing?"

"I think that's probably a good idea."

"I believe that would be ideal as well, though I believe I shall be setting some ground rules. Oh, and the issue of keeping me away from it "long enough to at least have a bit of party time" is now null."

The three bots hunched over a crate and datapad jumped as the door to their Lair of Super Secret Party Planning opened with the one bot they didn't want to see standing in the doorway.

"Ah! P-Prowler! Uh… Good ta see ya, my mech! Um- wha' are ya doin' down here?" Jazz swayed to stand in front of the datapad.

Prowl raised an optic ridge, though nothing else in his expression changed. "I could ask the same of you three. After all, this corridor is not listed for repairs nor has a form been filled out for supplies from this particular room. Additionally, none of you have been scheduled for duties that come close to this location… These things alone make your presence here suspicious." Jazz made to speak, but Prowl cut him off, the faint hint of a smirk almost showing, "Plus, I have heard everything you three have said in the past five breems."

Jazz and the twins deflated a bit at that.

"So… I guess that means we can't have that party, huh?" Sideswipe sighed.

"No. I would not say that." Prowl stated calmly, a hint of amusement flickering through him as the three bots jerked in shock.

"Prowler? Ya feelin' okay?" Jazz looked at the other black and white in confusion, slightly disturbed at the comment that was out of character for the rule loving mech.

"I am fine, Jazz. This is quite a logical decision. I know I will be unable to prevent a party, but I am able to curb your more… rambunctious tendencies. And since I do acknowledge the need for an outlet for the troops to release excess energy— Here," Prowl tossed a datapad at the startled saboteur. "This is a list I have compiled of my rules. Do not try to find loopholes or you will not like the consequences. Do not break these rules and I will have no reason to punish you. You will find it has already been cleared by both me and Red Alert. No, I will not explain how I have managed to gain Red Alert's approval. Good orn, Jazz, Sideswipe, Sunstreaker." With that, the Praxian swept elegantly out of the storage room, leaving the three mechs on the verge of glitching to pull themselves together.

"For a hard-aft, Prowl can sometimes be an okay mech…" Sideswipe muttered as Jazz onlined the 'pad.

Jazz groaned, "No he ain't, Sides. He gave us a curfew…"

"Slag that stupid glitch."

_Amused LINE BREAK_

For a party that had rules, _like a fragging curfew_ , it was surprisingly alright. Sure, it wasn't what it _could_ have been, but it was still a pretty awesome party… Alright, so the three bots that planned it were complaining about Prowl, Mr. I-have-a-really-long-piece-of-rebar-up-my-aft, a _lot_ , but really? Who cared? There was high-grade, there was loud music, there was no alarm curtsy of a paranoid security director going off, and there was no black and white Praxian with sirens blazing to interrupt… it was a good party!

It was nearing the set curfew and a good number of bots were well over the line of 'tipsy'. Ironhide and Ratchet were in a corner, cubes of high-grade surrounding them, trying to out-drink one another and already surrounded by empty cubes. Earlier, Blaster had been having a great time mixing new songs he'd found, with occasional input from Jazz, but now he and the upbeat saboteur were laughing and talking by the sound system, a premade track playing in the background. The minibots were gathered around a table playing an odd game involving high-grade, what looked like arm-wrestling, and (strangely) a rubber chicken that was currently duck taped to the back of Cliffjumper's helm. Smokescreen was set up at another table with the Aerialbots and a curious Hound, cards dealt and trying to teach them blackjack, which was actually quite hilarious since it looked like half of them were about to fall over. Inferno had even been in and out with a couple cubes of high-grade a while ago, mumbling something about getting Red Alert to relax a bit. Sunstreaker was lounging at another table, his arm draped over a giggling Bluestreak, as Sideswipe recounted one of his more recent escapades, his arms flailing wildly as he described a chase scene involving him, a bucket of paint, an enraged Hatchet stuck to the wall, a really fast Prowl determined to catch him, and a wall.

"—so there I was, speeding away from the scene with Prowl's sirens closing in on me, when all of a sudden this wall jumps out at me!"

"You mean you weren't looking where you were going and ran into it." Sunstreaker interrupted, amused at his brother's clumsiness.

"That is not true!"

"Yeah, it is. You're clumsy and you know it."

"I am _not_ clumsy!"

"Sure, of course not…"

"I'm not! It's just, _occasionally_ , the floor hates me. And I know the tables and chairs are bullies… and the walls get in my way! I am not _clumsy_!"

"Keep telling yourself that."

"Sunny~…"

Bluestreak giggled harder at the banter as the golden mech smacked his twin for the nickname. His engine hiccupped slightly as something touched his doorwing, and he giggled again.

"Hehe, you guys are really funny. I'm really happy Prowl agreed to this. He was really frustrated about the whole it's-against-the-rules-so-I-need-to-stop-it-but-the-troops-need-it situation. I'm so glad he found a solution! Now he won't be as frustrated. Although, it did take him a while to find this solution, but I guess that's kinda expected because it's Prowl and finding a way for the rules to allow a party so he doesn't need to step in so long as the rules are kept would probably have taken a while since he does have a ton of other things to do because his is SIC and has a _lot_ of paper work and is really busy with delegates and important stuff like that so something like compiling party rules would have taken a back seat to stuff like that plus he really isn't a party mech so he wouldn't know a whole lot of what should be allowed or what even really goes on because he never really shows up unless it's to shut it down—"

Bluestreak was cut off my Sunstreaker placing a servo over his lip-plating.

"Blue, while it's nice you care about your brother, can you _not_ bring him up now? I'd just forgotten the whole curfew thing… not to mention all the other fragging rules…" Sideswipe grumbled.

Bluestreak nodded rapidly from under the servo still clamped over his face. Sunstreaker let go and moved the arm back to behind the other mech, armor lightly scraping across a doorwing.

The Praxian stiffened suddenly at the contact, and then shuddered, a rumbling noise from deep within his chassis sounding briefly before being cut off. The twins froze at the unexpected noise, trading bewildered looks, before focusing on the now nervously giggling sniper.

"What was _that_?" Sideswipe asked, both mechs staring at the doorwinger.

"Uh- _haha_ -it, um, it really wasn't anything. I mean, it kinda was a noise, but nothing really important. I- uh, it's not like bots don't make odd noises every now and then, and the contact thing was a bit unexpected, so obviously I was going to make a noise because, as I'm sure you know, doorwings are a bit sensitive, and you can't expect me _not_ to make a noise. So, really, it wasn't anything, and hey, weren't we talking about something else and not weird noises? 'Cause I don't think we were talking about weird noises, unless you made a weird noise hitting the wall. Which is understandable because it would've hurt a bit to hit a wall at high speeds, which is what I'm sure you were doing, running from Pr—eek!"

Bluestreak's rambling was once again cut off, but this time by Sunstreaker deliberately stroking a doorwing.

"D-don't do tha—" Bluestreak started to protest before he cut himself off as that odd rumbling started up again. His doorwings fluttered up into Sunstreaker's servo, demanding more strokes, something the bemused golden mech was all too willing to give. Before the frontliner knew what was going on, the Praxian had situated himself so that he was sprawled across Sunstreaker's lap, doorwings fluttering happily under the stroking servo, and that odd rumbling continuously coming from the Praxian's chest-plating as the sniper's optics shuttered in bliss.

"Is- is he _purring_?" Sideswipe gawked.

"I-uh- yeah, he is…" Sunstreaker said, just as baffled. He continued to… well, pet Bluestreak.

Sideswipe broke down laughing. "Oh, Primus! He's _purring_! PURRING! This is hilarious!" This loud exclamation of hilarity, plus additional outbreak of laughter, drew a few looks from others, who were quick to do a double take at the odd scene of a usually violent Sunstreaker stroking the doorwings of a certain Praxian sniper that was sprawled in his lap…

"Wha' ta slag?" Ironhide slurred from where he and Ratchet were slumped over a good thirty or so empty cubes as he took in the scene. Ratchet giggled a bit at the scene, something that had Ironhide leaning the other way even in his inebriated state.

"Ha, I'd for-g _ah_ ten 'bout tha' featu-re in Prraxians!" Ratchet laughed, too out of it to really go into any depth as he promptly passed out.

"Ha! Take tha'! I _tot'lly_ wo-n!" Ironhide smirked before abruptly following the CMO, his helm landing with a _thunk_ on the table.

The minibots paused in their game… well, the ones still there and online. Half were missing and several of the ones accounted for were sprawled on the floor. A clearly tipsy Brawn made his way over to the twins, followed by Huffer and Bumblebee, who was wearing the rubber chicken on one of his audio horns. All three of them were watching the purring Bluestreak in a kind of morbid fascination, forgetting/ignoring for the moment the usual enmity they had with the twins.

"Tha's sooo weird…" Brawn mumbled, poking at the sniper's doorwings himself before backing off as Sunstreaker growled.

A giggle from across the room had all online occupants looking over to an amused Smokescreen who was in the middle of playing _Go Fish_ with Fireflight, Hound, Mirage, who had at one point joined Hound, and Trailbreaker, who had come with Mirage. The others of the original group had either passed out or had left and taken said passed out mecha with them.

"Nah, that's normal."

Everyone stared at the other Praxian as he calmly told Mirage to 'go fish'.

" _Wha'?!_ " the choked question came from Jazz, who had been chilling with Blaster as the party wound down. The sentiment was evidentially shared by the rest of the room as each optic turned to look at Smokescreen expectantly.

"'s a normal reaction for a Praxian whose havin' his doorwings pet like that… What?" Smokescreen looked around at the mechs who were all staring at him like he'd grown another helm.

"Mech, dat ain't normal…" Brawn muttered.

"He's probably glitched and we're gonna get in trouble tomorrow, if not from Ratchet, then from Prowl…" Huffer moaned.

"Hehe. Nah, I told ya mechs, this iz per-fect-ly normal for us Praxians."

"Smokey, are ya tellin' us ya _purr_ when a mech pets yer doorwings?" Jazz's incredulous voice had Smokescreen chuckling again.

"Yep! I guess ya could say it's kinda like that one organic… the feline—uh, cat."

"Mech, that's _hilarious_!" Sideswipe broke out, leaning over to pet the sniper himself. "Hehe, he _purrs…_ "

Brawn let out his own giggle before suddenly collapsing, Huffer and Bumblebee barely catching him as they expressed their own humor at the notion. The two dragged their comrade over to the pile of other recharging minibots, just in time it seemed, as Huffer collapsed an astrosecond later. Bumblebee raised his arms in apparent victory before taking out a permanent marker and doodling an odd symbol on all of the passed out minibot's face-plating…

Jazz ignored the odd behavior of his subordinate with practiced ease as he focused on the situation in front of him, overcharged processor spinning, making him slightly dizzy, as a devious plan formed. A grin split his face-plating, making Blaster lean a bit away from his potentially insane and plotting friend.

"Sooo, Smoky, ya sayin' this is like instinct, righ'?"

Smokescreen nodded, smiling indulgently at Fireflight as the Aerial told him to 'go fish' before hiccupping and falling over.

"And it goes for all Praxians, _righ'_?"

"Yea, Jazz, it does…" Smokescreen glanced over at the saboteur as the visored mech stood and sauntered over to the gambling Praxian.

"And it means if Ah do _this_ —" Jazz cut himself off by reaching over and rubbing his servos up and down the length of Smokescreen's doorwings.

"Hey! Wai-oh!" Smokescreen shuttered his optics, doorwings fluttering, as that same rumbling started up from him. Mirage smirked as his CO started to pet the cheating mech across from him (seriously, he was cheating, and at _Go Fish_ , too!). Trailbreaker huffed a laugh next to him, and he glanced at the mech just in time to prevent him from toppling very painfully onto the floor. He settled the now recharging mech gently down onto the table, sneaking a peek at his cards. Hmph, apparently Trailbreaker was also cheating… Mirage knew he'd had that other four…

Hound laughed and leaned in to experience the purring 'bot for himself.

"Hehe, he's just like a cat. You can feel the vibrations through the doorwings… tha's so weird in a cool way…" Hound mused to himself, optics flickering.

"You are too easily amused, Hound," Mirage hummed to the other mech.

"You think it's funny, too, 'Raj. Admit it!" Hound smirked, leaning away from the still purring Smokescreen to look at the former Noble.

"I never stated otherwise."

Jazz grinned as Smokescreen flopped down on the table, card flying everywhere, purring like crazy.

"Hmm… Wonder if dis would work on Prowler…" Jazz mused aloud. He was not ready for the reaction.

" **NO!** " twin shouts of alarm startled the online mechs, all motions of petting ceasing.

The twins looked at Bluestreak, alarmed at how quickly he'd gone from content to terrified at Jazz's question. Blaster, Mirage, and Hound were just as startled. Bumblebee had jumped and fallen over from where he was crouched doodling what looked like bumblebees on Gears' face. Jazz jerked away from the suddenly _very_ alert Smokescreen.

"Listen to me," Smokescreen said, voice tense and optics hard, "Do not, I repeat, DO _NOT_ touch Prowl's doorwings, EVER. Do not try to pet them, poke them, or even think of doing so in his vicinity. I am _not_ joking."

"Wha'? Why not?" Jazz asked, bewildered at the sudden sober seriousness of the doorwinger.

Bluestreak whimpered and trembled from his position sprawled on Sunstreaker's lap. Smokescreen's optics took on a grimmer look even as a shudder rippled visibly throughout his entire frame.

"…Bad things— _BAD_ things— happen whenever Prowl's doorwings are touched without his express permission…" Smokescreen finally said.

"What things, mech? Ya not makin' sense…" Blaster spoke from his seat near the sound system where he and Jazz were originally joking around, not quite ready for the serious turn the situation had taken.

"It's terrifying, and it shouldn't be 'cause he's my little brother, but he's _scary_ and I can't believe it _happened_. How could it have happened? And, oh my Primus, it was _awful_ , and there was—oh, Primus, it was _everywhere_ and how did he manage to do that? Slag, I don't wanna see anything like it again. Pit, even the _Seekers_ know, and he's part of _**nightmares**_ , and why? **Why?** _ **WHY?!**_ —" Bluestreak whimpered, servos clamping over his optics.

Smokescreen looked over at his brother, optics distant, as he spoke, "There is a very good reason you never see the Seekers firing at Prowl if they don't have to… and a reason he avoids fighting one on one with any 'con. It's not what you all think, he can fight… it's just…"

"Just…?" Jazz prompted.

Smokescreen said no more, optics whitening in fear as he whimpered.

All the other bots looked around at each other in mystification, slightly scared at the reactions of the two Praxians. This would need investigation for sure… that is, if they remembered any of this the next orn…

_Weird-ed Out LINE BREAK_

 **A/N: YA-HA! So, what do you think? Like it? Love it? Want to dismember it and burn it to ash? Leave a comment! Reviews are beautiful nuggets of soul nourishing inspiration and I'd love to hear from you all! Even if it's just a "So Cool! Please update!", don't be shy and tell me what you think! Did I mess up on grammar somewhere? Spot a mistake? Please tell me! I enjoy opportunities to improve! Wanna share your ideas on plot and your theories on what happens next? Feel free to message me! But, please, no flamers! My cute little Seeker trine isn't so little anymore (I think I fed them a bit more than I should have) and they love to play with fire... I don't want any of you cuties to get hurt! ;D And to encourage you to review (ha, rhymes...), I'll give you some incentive! I already have chappie two ready and waiting and I know exactly what to write for chappie three! (Remember, this is a tri-shot, so only three chappies!) As soon as we reach five reviews, I'll post the next one (and will most likely be starting to edit the last one)! So, Review, review, review, and I'll see you later! Ja ne! ~Reclusive Owl  
 _P.S. - Prowl's out hunting down the chaos twins, so he couldn't be here to support me in the intro, and I'm pretty sure you guys really don't want to meet the other voices in my head... But he'll be back later! But he'd tell you to review if he were here... *hint hint*_**


	2. Chapter 2

**Of Praxians and Organic Felines: Chappie 2**

 **A/N: *looks at reviews* (0_0) Oh. Oh my. *laughs incredulously* I'm gone for one day and the reviews are already way past the limit I set! Jya~ I guess you guys like it, ne? Thanks to everyone who reviewed and here's chappie 2 as promised! *blushes* Truthfully, I didn't expect so many reviews at once or I would've set a higher goal... *pouts* Now I really have to crack down on chappie three or there's going to be this huge wait.  
Prowl: You should not protray it as a bad thing when you love it.  
Owl: Urusai! I didn't ask for your opinion! Nya~ I hope you enjoy it!**

 **Disclaimer: *looks at check list for life goals* Hmm... watch all the anime, rule the world... ah, here it is! "Own Transformers Franchise". Nope, still unchecked! Oh well!  
Prowl: What does that say?  
Owl: Which one?  
Prowl: The subcatagory under "Own Transformers Franchise"... Does that say "genderbend Prowl"?!  
Owl: O-of course not! Don't be s-stupid! You know what, LET'S GET ON WITH THE STORY!  
Prowl: ...  
Owl: Please Enjoy! And don't forget to review!**

_No Game No LINE BREAK_

Prowl stifled an exhausted vent as he straightened from his half-slouched position over his datapads. The data-files accrued from this most recent battle was higher than usual, the power plant apparently having been the main source of energy for a nearby research facility. That facility had been testing sensitive material that required being kept at a regulated temperature in a controlled environment, which had only been possible because of the electricity generated by the power plant. The destruction of the power plant via Decepticon meant that type of control was impossible and they stood to lose millions in research material since the backup generators just couldn't cut it. So, obviously, they wanted the Autobots to fix it or give them money to compensate for the lost research.

He'd spent a good hour figuring out why and how the humans thought it was the _Autobot's_ responsibility and finding a way out of it diplomatically. It took a great deal of his patience, but the fallout of the battle was managed in the end. Then it was on to his normal data-work for the day… another forty six 'pads that he almost swore multiplied when he looked away.

He bent forward again, curling his back in a stretch, his doorwings fluttering in relief after being still for so long. He stood, arms stretching above his helm as he worked the kinks out of his frame. Chronometer reading 0150, Prowl decided to check that Jazz and twins had kept to his rules. Clearing his desk and subspacing a few unfinished 'pads for later, Prowl made his way out of his office and to the security room.

Prowl swiftly made his way to Red Alert's domain, but paused in the doorway, the rare sight of a quietly recharging Red Alert leaning against an awake Inferno startling him momentarily. Inferno glanced at him, a gentle smile on his face, and Prowl nodded in acknowledgement of the mech. Inferno turned back to the monitors as his superior silently made his way over, the empty cubes of high-grade not going unnoticed by the Praxian.

"I take it you encouraged Red Alert to relax?" Prowl spoke softly, though his attention was on the monitors, specifically the ones of the rec. room.

"Yeah," Inferno was just as quiet. "He kinda needed it."

Prowl hummed in agreement. The security director had seemed a bit stresses of late… well, more so than usual. His optics widened a bit as he took in the scene, and he pushed down the urge to face-palm, a human gesture that was becoming far too useful as of late.

"… Is there a reason Bumblebee is where a rubber chicken on his helm?" Prowl couldn't keep the disbelief out of his tone as he asked the first question that came to mind as he watched the monitors.

Inferno chuckled, "I've got no idea what goes on inside a minibot's mind, and considerin' they were all playin' a game early that resulted in tha'… I really don't think I want to."

Prowl twitched a wing in agreement. It looked like they'd kept to his curfew, but had gone all out on everything they could in retaliation. He spotted his brothers in a corner of the rec. room; however, he paused again as he took in their terrified postures. Something had scared them, and badly, but they hadn't comm.d him or anything. The other's surrounding them look confused, but slightly scared as well…

Prowl concluded that they were just overcharged and had probably spooked themselves. It was known to happen. Primus knows his brothers could spook themselves for no reason while sober. And they were supposed to be the older ones… He was mildly disturbed as he watched Jazz grin as he discussed something with the twins, but the black and white Praxian decided that he'd seen enough and that his rules had been followed as he watched all the remaining mechs head off to their quarters (or at least the ones that were conscious). Spotting an unopened cube sitting in front of the monitors, he picked it up with a slight warning glance to Inferno, but said nothing as he walked back to his own quarters.

He vented in relief as the door swooshed closed behind him and decided to unwind a bit before recharge with the high-grade and a book file. After all, it wasn't like anybot was around to see him relax.

_Contently Incoherent LINE BREAK_

Jazz onlined the next morning with a pained groan. Last night's party had been awesome, and he knew something he'd discovered something hilarious... Unfortunately, everything past midnight was a fuzzy blur and he couldn't remember _what_. The throbbing in his helm worsened when he tried to think. Before any major deductions could be made, he needed to fix that. Luckily for him, he'd long ago borrowed Ratchet's little secret cure…

One hangover cure later, Jazz bounced out of his room and towards the rec. room with his usual enthusiasm, an upbeat track providing excellent background music. Many a mech up and about glared at him for it. With a twirl, he burst through the door just as the song ended, narrowly avoiding colliding with a scowling Ironhide.

"Morning, 'Hide!" Jazz grinned, neatly avoiding a cuff to the back of his helm.

"Ya're way too _happy_. It's burnin' mah optics." The old warrior growled as he stalked out of the room. Jazz just laughed as he made his way to the dispenser.

He spotted a scowling Sideswipe in a corner booth, the red frontliner nursing his own cube of energon, and decided to begin the investigation with his fellow Party Planning mech. The saboteur almost hesitated when a dark glower was shot his way as he made his way over, but ignored it with all the casual smoothness that came with being the Jazz-man.

"Hey, Siders, Ah got a question for ya..." Jazz started only to be interrupted by a dark growl.

"Jazz, if you don't get your sorry aft outta here with that music, I will-"

"Nahahah, Siders! No need ta get violent! Remember, Sunny's da mean one in da viewer's minds! Ah'll turn it down," Jazz raised his servos in a calming manor as he switched his music to a lower volume, sliding into a seat opposite the other mech. "But seriously, Ah do wanna know somethin'..."

Sideswipe groaned, "Jazz, I have a patrol in less than ten breems that I totally forgot about until _Prowl_ comm.d me to remind me. And I have a hangover from the Pit. I don't have the time or patience to deal with your randomness."

"Wow, ya really are grumpy! Luckily for you, Ah got somethin' ta deal wit da little problem ya got..." Jazz took a vial of glowing orange sludge out of his subspace. "Took some mahself when Ah got up. Ah'll give it ta ya if ya help meh wit mah investigation..."

"Oh, Primus, that stuff looks nasty! Wait... is that what I think it is?"

"Ratchet's super-secret hangover cure tha' he guards wit da viciousness of a rabid scraplet? Yep, sure is," Jazz grinned as Sideswipe's revolted look faded into something akin to shocked awe.

"You know his recipe? I don't know whether I should praise your skills or make fallout plans for when Ratchet learns you broke into his files..."

"So, do ya want it or not?" Jazz held out the vial to Sideswipe.

"Yeah, yeah," Sideswipe downed the orange sludge in one go, trying not to grimace, "Frag, that slag is _nasty_! ...So, what is it you wanted to ask me?"

"Ah was wonderin' if ya remember what happened last night, specifically, sometime after midnight. Ah'm havin' trouble wit defragging da memory files right now, but there's this naggin' feelin' that Ah had a really good idea..."

Sideswipe frowned, "I know what you mean. I woke up feeling like that, too... I remember it had something to do with Bluestreak... Grr, I can't think of what it was!" Sideswipe smacked himself in frustration.

"Blue, huh? Tha' sounds right..." Jazz tilted his helm as he thought. Optics narrowed behind his visor as he tried to piece together what it was that was bothering him. "Ah think it had something to do wit his... doorwings?"

Sideswipe's helm snapped up, "That's it! Purring! Praxians purr when their doorwings are pet!" He chuckled. "I still think that's hilarious..."

Jazz laughed as he finally remembered what had been bugging him, but stopped when he recalled the strange reaction Smokescreen and Bluestreak had had when Prowler had been mentioned.

"What do ya think was wit da freak out when Prowler was brought up?"

Sideswipe paused, "I have no idea..."

Jazz grinned, "Ah think Ah wanna find out."

"Jazz... do you think it's really a good idea with the way they looked? I really don't wanna find out the hard way that ends with a trip to the Hatchet or the brig... or both." Sideswipe grimaced.

"Nah, Ah think Ah need to go a bit undercover for this one... met meh in da _place_ after yer patrol to help meh plan?"

"Do ya need to ask, Jazz-man?" Sideswipe and Jazz shared devious grins before the red mech left for his patrol. Jazz chuckled to himself.

A gleam of glowing red from a ventilation shaft in the rafters went unnoticed as a small metal figure swiftly made its way out of the Autobot base with this new bit of information...

_Evilly Laughing LINE BREAK_

Megatron was lounging on his throne, growling to himself about the Decepticon's latest defeat. His loyal third, Soundwave, was hovering over the main console of the _Nemesis_ and trying to find a decent target for the next raid that he would need to subtly coerce his esteemed leader into attacking... hopefully with a strategy better than "take all energon sources before the Autobots show up to kick our collective afts". Not that Soundwave thought his esteemed lord's plans where horrible... No, nothing like that. They could just use some more – _planning of actual plans_ \- involved when making them.

Soundwave looked up when he sensed his cassette, Lazerbeak, swiftly making his way to him. Moving toward the door just as it opened, he held up one arm for the avian-type cassette to land on. Soundwave vaguely registered his lord straightening on the throne as he considered his creation.

"Lazerbeak: return." Soundwave commanded calmly, not giving away the rising interest in the bot's report as the little spy sent over as much as he could through their bond.

"Wait, Soundwave," Megatron rumbled, "I wish to hear his report personally. It must be important if he _left his post_. Or at least it better be..." the Decepticon leader growled darkly.

Soundwave nodded his acknowledgement as Lazerbeak's plating shifted minutely at the threat from their lord. Sending a calming pulse down their connection, Soundwave encouraged the cassette to replay the conversation he'd overheard.

As soon as the clip began to play, Soundwave was quick to identity the Autobots speaking as the frontliner Sideswipe and the saboteur Jazz. _"I know what you mean. I woke up feeling like that, too... I remember it had something to do with Bluestreak... Grr, I can't think of what it was!"_ There was a pause.

 _"Blue, huh? That sounds right... Ah think it had something to do wit his... doorwings?"_

 _"That's it! Purring! Praxians purr when their doorwings are pet!"_ the frontliner chuckled before continuing here. _"I still think that's hilarious..."_ Soundwave was intrigued vaguely by this new discovery as he listened to the two Autobots laughing. He looked at his lord and was mildly alarmed at the sadistic gleam in the gun-former's optics. He felt Lazerbeak hesitate before the cassette played the next bit of the conversation.

 _"What do ya think was wit da freak out when Prowler was brought up?"_ Soundwave felt his curiosity perk up at that. Was there something about the Autobot second that he didn't know? It was unlikely since Soundwave was one of the best information gatherers in existence, but there was a minor possibility.

 _"I have no idea..."_ The clip ended there, and Soundwave turned his full attention to his lord to see the reaction. The sadistic gleam was still there, but there was a darker emotion lurking within the depths of his optics that Soundwave tried a bit too hard to ignore.

"Hmm... Interesting. Yes, I do believe this is information worthy of leaving your post. Excellent job, Lazerbeak," Megatron purred, "Yes, this is quite the discovery..." he chuckled to himself before addressing his Communications Officer, "Soundwave!"

"Lord Megatron?" Soundwave was careful to express nothing as he allowed Lazerbeak to fold up and return into his chassis.

"Bring the Seekers here. I need them to confirm this information. And make sure _all_ of my lead trine are here"

"Yes, Lord Megatron."

Gathering up the Command Trine was a quick task for a determined Soundwave. It may have helped that Thundercracker had only just been cleared of the med bay and he'd found the calmer Seeker first, and that he only had to show a single 5 second clip of Starscream dancing to the human song _"It's Raining Tacos"_ for the usually volatile trine leader to gather up the rest of the lead Seekers without complaint, but Soundwave really didn't care either way.

Five breems later, the Command Trine and the Cone-heads stood before a wickedly grinning Megatron, and not even the snarky Starscream felt comfortable enough to make a comment when the Decepticon leader looked like that. Soundwave stood behind his lord in the shadows, quietly monitoring the fleeting surface thoughts of the mecha in the room. The tension began to rise as Megatron said nothing, his dark red optics glinting smugly as he watched the Seekers in front of him.

"Starscream, I'm want you to confirm something for me. Is it true Praxians purr when their doorwings are stroked?" Megatron rumbled after a few breems, breaking the tension suddenly enough that Skywarp twitched noticeably.

Starscream looked at the large grey mech warily, his thoughts blurring into a hundred different scenarios as he tried to figure out what the heck this information had to do with anything.

"...Yes, Lord Megatron, it's true," the Seeker answered a moment later.

"And what effect does this have on them?"

Starscream continued to watch his leader with wary optics, something Soundwave noticed was repeated in every other Seeker's gaze.

"Praxians, as Seeker-kin, have sensitive doorwings, much like Seeker wings. As is similar to the reaction of a Seeker, Praxians have a positive response to the stroking of the wings and purr. This response is involuntary and often disabling as the processor focusses on the pleasurable stimuli rather than whatever else is going on around them. Is that what you wished to know, Lord Megatron?"

Megatron grinned, and Soundwave caught the brief flicker of terror that passed through every Seeker's mind at the sight.

"Yes, that is perfect."

Starscream seemed to hesitate before pressing on with what Soundwave knew to be forced courage, "So, oh mighty leader, do you plan on sharing your _oh so intelligent_ thoughts with the rest of your forces, or shall we attempt to guess?" The Seeker sneered.

Megatron chuckled, "Very well. I plan to do something I've wanted for a _very_ long time. I plan to win this war."

Starscream's optics widened a bit at that, but pressed on.

"Oh, _yes_ , and how do you plan that, oh powerful Lord Megatron? It's not like you haven't tried for the past _millennia_ or anything..." Megatron's optics narrowed at that, but continued to smirk.

"I plan to take away their core. That's what I need you _Seekers_ for, particularly you Skywarp."

Skywarp flinched in surprise. "Me, my Lord?"

" _Yes_. You are going to be instrumental in this plan..."

"And **what** is the plan, _my Lord_?" Starscream asked, true annoyance clear in his tone.

Megatron laughed. "Why, Starscream, where's that genius you're always bragging about? I plan to capture the Second in Command of the Autobots, of course. I plan to capture Prowl."

Soundwave felt the terror that had slowly bled out of the Seekers, Starscream in particular, slam back full force. The Seekers didn't dare speak, but Soundwave could tell they would rather deactivate than follow through with this plan...

Soundwave had a bad feeling about this...

_Mildly Terrified LINE BREAK_

 **A/N: So, how was chappie 2? I know it was a bit shorter than the first one, but we're so close to the ending! So, what do you guys thinks gonna happen? I mean, I think it may be a bit obvious, but still I wanna hear your theories, so Review! Spot any mistakes? Review! I enjoy making my writing better! But please, no flamers~! Remember, this is a Crack fic, so OOCness is expected~! Plus, despite how yummy smores are, they are really unhealthy... I think I'll set the review goal for 10 reviews for chappie 2~! That should give me time to edit chappie 3 and give me plenty of motivation while hearing from you pretties! Ja ne! ~R. Owl**


	3. Chapter 3

**Of Praxians and Organic Felines: Chappie 3**

 **A/N: HIIIEE! GOMENASAI MINNA! Life has been so hectic lately, even with the recent break for Thanksgiving, and I completely forgot to upload this! *embarrassed blush* It's been sitting on my computer since Tuesday and I've only recently gone back and proofread it... *sheepishly* I know I said I'd get it out earlier than this, but OMG! *grins excitedly* LOOK AT ALL THESE REVIEWS! You all seriously don't know how amazing this is for me~! I'm so happy that you enjoy this little crack fic of mine~! *laughs* Well, here's the last chappie of this little tri-shot! It's the biggest one yet (practically chappies 1 & 2 added together!), so I hope it was worth the wait! Please enjoy it and leave a review on the way out!**

 **Disclaimer: *checks through Cyber Monday sales* ...nope, no listings for the right to the Transformers franchise. Guess I won't be owning it then. Too bad, so sad...**

 **WARNING: Um, so in the summary it warns of mild gore. That's in section 3 if you're a bit skittish or have problems with that. Unfortunately, it is also the main idea of the story. (There's also a scattering throughout section 2.) I won't spoil it for you now, but be careful to all delicate readers out there _!_ ENJOY~!**

_The LINE BREAK Is A Lie (Not Really)_

"Thank you for joining us here today," a shadowed figure stood up from their seat at the round table as they addressed the seven other darkened figures in the room, "I trust I don't need to explain the reason we've all gathered, but I would like to stress the importance of this mission. The vital information we pose to gather could greatly affect not only the Autobots as a whole but the entirety of our race. That is why I need to impress upon you the importance of being absolutely certain that you wish to be here." The shadowed figure leaned forward, servos pressing into the table, "There is no room for half-sparked mechs in this mission. Are you all certain you wish to continue?" They looked around at the other seven figures, watching as each of them nodded… except for one who raised a servo.

Sideswipe sighed, deflating a bit, "What is it Mirage?"

The former noble scowled lightly, lowering his servo as he answered, "I have no desire to be here. May I leave?"

"Awww... don't be like tha' 'Raj!" Jazz whined as he reached over to poke his subordinate in the shoulder. "Ya ruined the ominous atmosphere!"

Mirage twitched, regretting his decision to allow Hound to drag him to—whatever this was.

"Yeah, 'Raj, you can't leave! We need your skills if we wanna pull this off!" An enthusiastic Bumblebee chimed in.

"You—you do _want_ to be here, right 'Raj?" Mirage froze as he heard that almost teary tone from Hound. He turned to the mech quickly and gave him a small, slightly panicked smile.

"Of course, Hound! I would not have come if I was opposed to being here!" Mirage reassured the other mech. Trailbreaker snorted from the other side of Hound, muttering something about 'being totally whipped'. Mirage ignored him with practiced ease.

Jazz laughed, "Awesome, mech! Let's get started, 'kay? Here," he pressed a button and suddenly a holographic display light up in the middle of the table, "these are some o' da specs Ah got from Hatchet's files on da structure of doorwings."

As the image was displayed, Blaster was looking at his friend in bewilderment. How had Jazz set up a high-tech holographic display in a storage room that wasn't supposed to be connected to the energy network in less than the ten breems it took for them to get to the "emergency secret meeting" without even hinting that he'd set it up? Then again, Blaster mused to himself as he half-listened to the others talking about the sensitivity of wings in both Seekers and Praxians, Jazz was the Head of the Special Operations division… maybe he really didn't want to know…

"So, now we need to assign groups to collect the information before we plan the next stage! Time's 1640 hours right now… If we assign jobs now, we can meet up tomorrow at the same time to start coming up with a game plan. Jazz, can you and the special ops guys get data on Prowl's movements? Especially on the way he uses his wings." Sideswipe looked at his fellow schemer. Jazz grinned and nodded.

"Sure thing, Siders. You and Sunny gonna do recon on da flight capables?"

Sideswipe grinned, "Yep! Me and Sunny got that!" He yelped as his twin smacked him over the helm.

"Do not call me 'Sunny'! Or at least use proper fragging grammar when you do! _Glitch_."

Sideswipe laughed, rubbing the back of his helm, "Sorry, Sunflower!" Another clang was ignored as Jazz turned to Hound and Trailbreaker.

"Ya think ya can study up on organic felines and try ta give us a hint of wha' we're gonna deal wit? Smokey _did_ say it's a fairly similar reaction."

Hound grinned, "No problem!" Trailbreaker nodded beside him.

"Great! Now, Blaster, mah mech! Ah want ya ta look into any info on Praxians ya can. Think ya can do tha'?"

"No problem, mah mech!" Blaster smiled at his friend.

"Oh, I think there will be a slight problem."

The eight mechs holding the meeting froze as the door to the storage room slide open to reveal the one mech they didn't want to see.

Prowl stood in the doorway, a light scowl in place. Jazz was the first to move as he leapt toward the holographic display to block it from the other's view.

"Ah! Prowler! Wha're ya doin' down here?" the saboteur laughed lightly.

Prowl raised an optic ridge, "I believe I should be the one questioning you. I distinctly remember catching three of you in this room earlier. Care to explain what you were doing _this_ time?"

Jazz's smile grew nervous and Sideswipe stepped up next to him, an equally tense smile on his face.

"Ah, you see Prowl, we—ah—we were…"

Before Sideswipe could continue, the Decepticon attack alarm sounded.

 **"RED ALERT! EVERYBOT GET TO YOUR BATTLE STATIONS! THIS IS** _ **NOT**_ **A DRILL! THE DECEPTICONS HAVE BREECHED THE EXTERIOR PERIMETER! PROWL, I NEED YOU UP HERE** _ **NOW**_ **! I AM NOT EXAGERATING!** _ **GET MOVING!**_ **"** Red Alert screeched over the general comm.

Prowl's scowl deepened, but he turned to leave.

"All of you will be reporting to me after this battle to discuss exactly what was happening here." The Praxian swept out of the storage room, leaving behind eight slightly relieved yet horrified mechs behind.

"…at least we don't have to hear the lecture _now_ ," Sideswipe pointed out.

Sunstreaker growled at his optimism, "Shut up. Now I can't properly enjoy crushing Decepti-scum because you slaggers forgot to find somebot to play lookout."

"I cannot believe I was dragged into this…" Mirage sighed.

"Eh, don' worry 'bout it now. We got 'Cons tha' need ta be taught a lesson!" Jazz smirked, prompting everyone to rush out of the room.

Blaster sighed to himself as he followed, "Ah don' know why but Ah got a bad feeling 'bout this battle…"

_Tense LINE BREAK_

Soundwave stood at attention behind his lord, blank gaze sweeping across the assembled Decepticon troops. His lord's voice boomed across the entirety of the large hanger, the triumphant grin that had appeared on his face earlier still firmly present. However, the loyal communications officer was not paying as diligent attention as he usually did. It wasn't meant as disrespect to his lord! No, not at all. It's just that Soundwave could not stop his thoughts circling back to the reactions of the Seekers…

Now, Soundwave was not a superstitious mech and was not one to follow "instinct" over logic, but he never disregarded what he picked up from other's minds. And the level of fear— _terror_ —that the Seekers had displayed, simultaneously at that, was not something he would dismiss. He would also follow his lord to the pit and back if his lord told him to. So it begged the question of why he was so hesitant to obey Lord Megatron's plan to bot-nap the Autobot SIC and subdue him via doorwing stroking.

He thought back to the images he'd picked up from the Seeker's thoughts. Though blurry and clearly very old, Soundwave could tell that they were memories from Cybertron and were highly emotionally charged. _A burning building; unrecognizable frames littering the ground—_ Soundwave deleted the thought lope that stemmed from a memory that wasn't his. Why would these images come up when the Autobot SIC was mentioned? _A message blazing in energon that had clearly come from the decapitated mech laying under it_ _ **"Don'T tOUcH mE"**_ _. The glyphs smeared with the imprints of an energon-covered servo around it—_ Soundwave snapped himself out of the memory, nausea turning his tanks as he forced the feeling that weren't his own away. Was Prowl connected to this?

The cheering of the Decepticons roused Soundwave out of his thoughts. He refocused just in time to hear his lord finishing his speech, the troops roaring in approval of his lord's plan, though Soundwave noticed the Seekers and other natural flyers were silent. He turned to follow his lord out of the hanger as the troops scattered to prepare for the blitz attack. Soundwave hesitated a moment before quickening his pace slightly to stand slightly behind his lord's left side so he could speak and not be overheard by any random mecha.

"My lord. Soundwave: concerned. Seekers: unusual reaction to Autobot Prowl. Request: time to analyze Autobot Prowl."

Megatron growled and swung around to face his TIC, "Are you DARING to question ME?!"

Soundwave bowed to his lord, "Soundwave: would never oppose his lord."

Megatron snorted, "The Decepticons will be attacking in 10 breems, so do NOT question me again. Go get ready! Dismissed."

"Understood, my lord," Soundwave remained bowing as he watched his lord walk away, then turned to prepare himself.

Making his way to the command center, Soundwave frowned slightly behind his mask as the feeling of impending doom only grew heavier. He pushed it away again as he turned to give orders to the scrambling underlings. He would not doubt his lord's plan. Only ordinary mecha actually needed to create plans that involved gathering information and following reason. His lord was not an ordinary mech, so it would follow that his plans were not created normally either. His lord was obviously far superior to any ordinary mech, thus his plans must also be superior to an ordinary mech's plans. Soundwave pushed away the little logical voice that gave exact statistics on how wrong that reasoning was, and continued with his orders.

With the command center in order, Soundwave made his way to the main hanger and took his place behind his lord. The landing platform was raised, and soon the army was on its way. Soundwave contacted his cassettes Frenzy and Ravage, who had been sent out earlier on a sabotage mission to make a hole in the Autobot detection perimeter.

/ _Ravage. Frenzy: status update._ /

/ _Boss! Almost done on our end. Another breem or two and you'll have a clear path!_ / Frenzy replied, his smirk apparent even over the comm.

/ _Decepticon troops: three breems from your position. Suggestion: Stop wasting time._ /

/ _Gotcha Boss! We'll finish up here quick then!_ /

Soundwave cut the transmission and updated his lord. Then he was left to his thoughts again. The bad feeling was now practically a clamp around his tank, and Soundwave knew something horrible was going to happen on this mission. He subtly looked upward at the Seekers. They were currently flying in mech form in order to keep pace with the slower ground troops, and Soundwave could easily see the terror in their optics as they drew closer to the Autobot base. Most of them were able to keep a fairly blank façade, but there were a few shaking midair, looking like they wanted nothing more than to turn away and flee back to the half-dead Cybertron. Skywarp in particular looked like he was hyperventilating, plating visibly rattling and flight path as wobbly as a new-sparked flyer. Soundwave didn't dare scan their thoughts again.

They quickly came upon Frenzy and Ravage's position, and Soundwave swept down to pick them up, returning the cassettes to their place in his chassis.

The Decepticons were ten breems from the _ARK_ when the wail of alarms filled the air, sharp in what had been mostly silence as the planet's star gleamed from a low position in the sky.

"DECTPICONS! ATTACK!" Megatron bellowed.

Following their lord's instructions, the triple changers charged helm first toward the oncoming Autobots that were headed their way. The other grounders picked scattered positions behind boulders and other natural formations, setting up shooting positions. The Autobots were forced to scramble to avoid incoming shots.

"OPTIMUS PRIME!" Megatron bellowed as he charged his usual opponent.

This time, however, his challenge was the signal for the Stunticons to form Menasor. The Decepticon Gestalt barreled forward, intent on destruction, but was stopped as the Aerialbots formed up Superion. As soon as the Autobot's main air defense was gone, the Seekers scattered in a confusing pattern and began running ground strikes, kicking up a fairly astonishing amount of dirt in the process. Soundwave took the opportunity to pause and do a mind sweep of the entire battlefield, leaning heavily onto the boulder at his back as he felt his power reserves draining. Finally, he located his target.

/ _Autobot Prowl: located. Sending coordinates._ / As soon as he sent the message to the Seekers, Soundwave began jamming all comm. systems, simultaneously releasing Ravage, Frenzy, and Rumble to create a bigger havoc on the battlefield. Soon enough, the ground was shaking as the twins created earthquakes and Ravage was weaving between the troops, randomly causing chaos with his blitz attacks.

The Autobots never had a chance to notice Skywarp's disappearance until a loud _crack_ was heard behind the Autobot lines and Prowl's voice dropped from the only secure line left. Soundwave called back his cassettes as the Autobots panicked, merely watching as his lord took the opportunity to disengage from the Prime. The Decepticons withdrew as soon as their lord did, forming a wall of armor in between the Autobot troops and Megatron just as Skywarp reappeared hovering in the air slightly behind the warlord, a stunned Prowl in his grasp. The Seeker looked like he wanted to cry as he gently (for a Decepticon) set the Praxian next to Megatron, disappearing the moment he was no longer in contact with the Autobot. Soundwave glanced upward to see Skywarp clutching at Thundercracker, the usually stoic Seeker holding him close with a grim look on his face. Starscream hovered in front of his trine-mates, his plating visibly shaking, but with a look of grim determination. For what, Soundwave didn't know, but he didn't like what it implied…

Soundwave returned his attention to his lord just as Megatron grabbed the Praxian by the back of his neck and hoisted him up so that the rest of the Autobots could see him. A victorious grin was etched across Megatron's face, his ruby optics narrowed in glee, as he watched the Autoscum's faceplates go slack in horror.

"Optimus Prime. It seems I've won. Put down your weapons unless you want me to crush his helm!" Megatron roared, shaking the Praxian slightly to emphasize his point.

"Autobots! …Lower your weapons." The Prime looked pained as he said this, optics focused on a smirking Megatron. "What do you plan to do, Megatron?"

The Decepticon warlord laughed, "What do I plan to do? I plan to eradicate you pests! Starting with _this_ one!" He shook the captured Praxian in his grasp, then continued with glee, "Of course, not before I break him and strip him of every bit of useful data!"

Ironhide growled from his position behind Optimus and took a step forward, but the Autobot leader held him back. The rest of the Autobot forces tensed but remained in place. Soundwave looked at the other Autobots, seeing faces of worry or fear for their captured SIC, but nothing that justified the awful feeling that something BAD was about to happen… until he looked at the two other Praxians. Those two had looks of fear and horror, yes, but it wasn't aimed at Megatron. No, it took a mere astrosecond for Soundwave to realize they were looking at Prowl. Their little brother, if his data was correct (which it always was). Soundwave glanced at the Aerialbots, but they were still formed into the single entity Superion, and Soundwave couldn't get a good read on them. Though, judging from frame position, it looked like the giant mech wanted to run away…

He ran a light scan of the two brothers' surface thoughts, but only received a jumbled mess. _'Primus, not again! Anything but that! Nononononono… so much energon—IT'S EVERYWHERE! Make it stop! Make it STOP! He's gonna snap! Not again. Not AGAIN! Primus, please! Pleasepleaseplease… I DON'T WANT TO DIE!_ Soundwave cut off the mental connection as feelings of terror started to overwhelm him, all directed at a certain black and white Praxian held by his lord.

Soundwave was hesitant as he turned his attention back to his lord, or more accurately, to the Praxian still passively hanging from his lord's grasp. Megatron was ranting again, a habit his lord had, but Soundwave ignored him completely for once, drawing up his all courage and mental power as he watched the Praxian. Soundwave reached out hesitantly to scan the Autobot's thoughts.

The total and utter blankness of Prowl's mind confirmed Soundwave's fear. He had found the source of that bad feeling… And he knew.

Soundwave knew that they were totally and utterly screwed.

_Hysterically Laughing LINE BREAK_

Prowl knew he should have gone back into recharge that morning as he felt Skywarp slam something into the back of his helm. It wasn't often he had days he felt like that, but anytime he did have one, he knew it was going to turn out awful. Today was no different. The feeling was certainly justified as he felt himself being pulled along in the Seeker's teleportation. Prowl really hated his luck sometimes… especially when he realized he'd been dumped at the pedes of Megatron.

His day actually wasn't so bad at first. He had gotten a solid joor of recharge (about 6 hours in human terms), had his ornly ration of energon, and was in his office and working on his daily dose of datapads by 0800 hours. However, everything went to the pit from there. It started out with the minibots, which was something of a new experience for Prowl since it didn't usually start with them. He wasn't entirely sure what had occurred before he'd been called away from his datawork, but the results had included (but were not limited to) the entire minibot force having Bumblebee's paint scheme and him having to clear them out of a storage room they'd apparently turned into a shrine for… actually, Prowl really didn't want to remember… it was disturbing enough the first time around.

From there he'd been called by Optimus to take care of Red Alert who had locked himself in his— _the_ security center. The paranoid mech refused to let anyone in, including Ratchet and the Prime, and Prowl had spent around 15 breems trying to talk him into unlocking the door. By that time, he had spent a good half joor away from his datawork. Which, he discovered, had "miraculously" multiplied in the time he'd been away.

He had only finished a quarter of the new datapads when he was called away _again_ by Ratchet for his decaornly system check, which he had previously been unaware of (or just deliberately ignored). And by called away, Prowl meant that the medic of doom had threatened him with a full system flush if he wasn't down there in 5 breems. By the time he was out of the medic's lair, it was already 1630 and he was a mere two thirds of the way done with his deskwork. However, he never got back to his office. As he passed by that one hall again, Prowl had detected voices. With a vague feeling of déjà vu, he followed the sounds to the _exact same storage room_. Prowl was tempted to 'face-palm', but decided to push the feeling aside and confront the annoyances. It had not gone as planned with Red Alert's alarm sounding, but he wasn't going to forget about it.

The Praxian realized he was blanking out when he felt Megatron lifting him into the air by the back of his neck. It wasn't a pleasant feeling, to be picked up like an unruly sparkling, but Prowl didn't dare move incase Megatron decided to crush him. It annoyed him when the warlord decided to shake him, but he remained limp in the threatening hold.

Prowl scowled lightly as he listened to Megatron boast to Optimus, but froze slightly when the warlord said something about breaking him. Prowl didn't like his implications, and he _really_ didn't like being touched…

Prime was scowling behind his mask, hating the situation Megatron had created, but was forced to hold back a growling Ironhide incase Megatron decided to crush his SIC's helm. Jazz was stock still where he stood further to Prime's right, servos clenched in frustration as he watched his sometimes-almost-friend taken hostage by the Decepticon glitches. Sure, Prowl could use some work loosening up, but he was a caring mech at spark, and Jazz was very familiar with Decepticon torture methods. No Autobot would go through that if he had something to say about it! (And this was one of the few cases he did have a say as a fellow Autobot and not just as the Spec Ops Commander.)

Jazz opened an emergency comm. link with Mirage.

/ _Do ya think ya can get 'im?_ /

/ _I will try._ / Jazz let out a mental sigh at Mirage's firm answer.

/ _Wait for mah signal._ / Jazz ordered, watching Megatron closely.

"It's hopeless Prime! Unless you want to surrender now and give up the war, you WILL be letting my Decepticons go! Or would you rather see your pretty little Praxian commander with his helm cracked open?" Megatron laughed, leering down at the Praxian in his grasp.

"You FRAGGER!" Ironhide yelled, but he was quieted by Optimus.

"Megatron, what do you think you'll gain from this?" Optimus spoke steadily, pushing his fear and anger down. A calming pulse from the matrix helped, but the Prime could still feel his spark pulsing faster than normal as his processor whirled through calculations. He glanced to his right at Jazz and felt a bit of relief at the minuscule nod from the saboteur.

Optimus focused back on Megatron as the warlord laughed at his question.

"I plan to end this war once and for all with my VICTORY, _Prime_! Now, withdraw your forces or watch me crush the spark out of your little _pet_!" Megatron smirked.

"GLITCH! Prowl ain't anyone's _pet_! Get your slagging servos OFF him, you DIM SPARKED _TURBO-RAT_!" Ironhide roared as he tried to surge forward again.

Jazz was about to take advantage of all the attention Ironhide was bringing to himself when he happened to glance at Prowl, who was still limp in Megatron's grip. He paused just before giving Mirage the signal at the completely blank look in the Praxian's optics. Now, Jazz may have not known the slightly cold Praxian officer all that well, but he liked to think of himself as a master at reading mechs and he'd been around Prowl for a good chunk of his career as head of Special Ops. He'd seen the mech amused; he'd seen him angry; he'd seen him grieving… heck, Jazz had even seen him mildly aroused (it was a weird experience to say the least), but Jazz had never, NEVER seen Prowl like this…

/ _Mirage, hold up a bit… somethin's off with Prowler._ /

/ _What is it?/_

/ _Look at 'im._ /

Mirage huffed a bit, / _He looks like he is being held hostage by an insane megalomaniac with ambitious universe-dominating aspirations that will never come true. What else am I to be seeing?_ /

/ _…look at his optics._ /

Jazz heard the other gasp slightly. / _…oh…_ /

/ _Yeah. "Oh"…_ /

Optimus was trying to hold a furious Ironhide back and was slightly relieved when Ratchet came up behind the other, smacking the raging mech upside the helm, and dragged him back with him. He turned back to see Megatron still smirking like he knew something the Autobots didn't.

"Not a _pet_ , you say? Ah, my ignorant little Autodolts, I must say I disagree," Megatron practically purred (which creeped more than a few mechs out), "Want me to show you why? I'll make your precious little Praxian do _whatever_ I want… just by doing this." Megatron moved Prowl closer to him, keeping the captured mech facing his comrades, and began to stroke his free servo across the captured Praxian's doorwings.

The Autobots froze in horror as the Decepticons all smirked. Well, all the Decepticons still there. It seemed the only ones to notice the missing Seekers were Jazz and Mirage. Jazz mentally amended the list of present Decepticons when he noticed a missing Soundwave. The saboteur glanced at their own forces and realized that Smokescreen and Bluestreak had also disappeared with all of their Aerials. It was a few seconds when other mechs started to notice something was off. The silence that had settled across the battlefield was oddly eerie as Megatron continued to pet the captured Praxian.

Megatron frowned as he looked down at the Praxian he was petting. He growled slightly when the stupid Autoglitch showed no signs of complacency. He roughly scrapped his servo down one doorwing, trying to incite a reaction from the silent mech in his grasp.

"What the slag? STARSCREAM! You worthless glitch, DID YOU LIE TO ME?!" He roared (at nothing), "Tch, no matter… He's still my prisoner! I'll force him—" Megatron paused as Prowl turned to look at him. It was the first time the Praxian had moved on his own since he'd been captured.

The Decepticons looked back at their leader, confused when the warlord cut himself off.

Megatron finally started to notice something was off with the Praxian he held captive. He fought back the urge to drop his prisoner at the almost dead look in the others optics, his servo spasming slightly, but before he could realize it, Prowl had a light grip on his wrist. The silence returned.

"What do you think you're doing, Megatron."

Megatron felt his spark shudder at the question that was not a question. It wasn't that it was spoken in a terrifying manner or something like that! If anything, it was a calm and slightly amused tone, like the warlord had done something mildly stupid to embarrass himself. Megatron shook his helm, trying to get rid of the fear that had settled there.

"How dare you speak, scum! You—"

Before he could continue, Megatron suddenly found himself being flipped over a suddenly moving Praxian and _slammed_ into the ground. He felt something crack beneath him and pain flare throughout his entire frame as a loud **BOOM** echoed across the battlefield, startling both sides. When the dust settled, everyone was startled to see the warlord on his back in a small crater with a calm Prowl staring down at him. Suddenly, a small smile graced the Praxian's face.

"Ah, ah, ah, Megatron. I don't believe that was what I asked…" Prowl tsked down at the stunned gun-former, a light teasing tone in his words.

Megatron looked up into white optics, vision taking a bit to refocus, and growled as he tried to push himself up. A kick to the side of his helm sent him tumbling to the side, and he landed roughly on his chassis a few meters away

"Now, now. No need for any of that~! You should respect your betters and answer properly when they ask you a question. Were you never taught proper etiquette?" Prowl laughed softly, a tinkling sound that rang loudly in the silence. A genuine smile spread across his face as his optics softened, still an eerie white.

The Praxian sauntered over to the downed warlord, who was pushing himself up, and grabbed him by the back of his neck, gently bending the warlord backward to look up at him.

"I'm not fond of repeating myself, but I'll make an exception this time. Now, answer me this: just _what_ do you think you were doing?" Prowl smiled down at the silently scowling warlord. Prowl vented slightly in disappointment when there was no answer, his serene smile slipping into a pout, "Aw… you're not going to say anything? I guess I'll have to punish you then, huh?"

The surrounding mechs could only watch in horror as Prowl's optics bled from white to a dark crimson red almost faster than they could comprehend, his smile taking on an insane twist as he bared sharp fangs for all to see. The Praxian slammed Megatron's face into the ground harshly, grinding it into the rocky surface. He let go only to grab the larger mech by his shoulder guard and throw him into the air (much to the disbelief of his audience). Prowl followed Megatron up into the air, lithe frame spinning at the apex of his arc to slam one pede on the warlord's helm, driving the large mech back to the ground at an amazing speed and leaving another (abet larger) crater. The sun glinted from behind the Praxian, blocking out most of his features except for his terrifying crimson optics and part of his insane smile.

Prowl straightened as he came down, his entire frame aimed at Megatron, and everyone watching flinched at the crunching sound and Megatron's roar of pain as the rampaging Praxian landed on the warlord's arm cannon, crushing it like it was made from earthen clay. Prowl was laughing softly as he backed away from the downed Decepticon leader with a little skip.

"Aw, what's wrong, oh might Decepticon Lord? Not gonna say anything?" Prowl laughed again, watching as Megatron tried to pull himself up only to have to stay kneeling as he coughed up energon. Prowl swayed backward a bit as Megatron lunged at him, a furious look in the warlord's optics. An impassive look came over his face as Megatron reeled back with a pain filled bellow, the gun-former's left arm missing from the elbow guard down. The limb hit the ground with a loud _thunk_ as the surrounding mechs all watched Prowl casually flick fresh energon off his servo that now held a glowing dagger.

Prowl tsked in annoyance, "I just finished buffing the polish this morning too…" he muttered before turning burning red optics on the injured warlord, "I thought I told you," he kicked Megatron squarely in the chassis, just over his spark chamber if the howl of pain was anything to go on, sending the mech sprawling onto his back, "Respect." The dagger flashed as it sank into the right knee guard with a hiss, "Your." More energon splattered onto the ground the dagger was removed, only to be plunged back into the same leg a bit higher, "Betters." The dagger ripped a large gash from its position up to Megatron's right hip, the armor crumpling like it was made out of copper. Prowl ripped the dagger from the half destroyed leg, a small smirk on his face at the pained cries. A vicious kick to the damaged leg brought out another howl of pain as the Praxian started circling the downed mech.

Megatron tried not to whimper as the insane mech circled him. He couldn't believe this was happening! A small piece of trash like this wasn't supposed to be able to damage him this much! He was MEGATRON the leader of the Decepticons! _He wasn't supposed to be beaten by an insignificant Praxian!_ He pulled himself up, his remaining servo stabilizing him as he favored the injured leg, and glared at the smirking Autoscum in front of him.

The surrounding mechs could only watch in rising horror at the stupidity of Megatron as the warlord growled at the furious mech that was quite literally ripping him apart.

"I will kill you—" the threat was cut off as Prowl delivered a vicious back-servo slap to his face. The Praxian grabbed Megatron's jaw, forcing the stunned warlord to face him, and leaned in with an amused sneer.

"I think you're misunderstanding something, little _lord_. The thing is, _you_ are not going to do anything. _I_ , however, will be teaching you a lesson in manners." Prowl smiled cruelly as he released the warlord, his grip leaving dents on Megatron's jaw. "You see, I _really_ don't like it when my doorwings are touched. It's a very personal and intimate thing for Praxians, and for some bot to just touch them without permission… well, it makes me _very_ mad. Understand? And you," here he laughed loudly, "YOU just decided to go ahead and _pet them_ without so much as a by your leave!" Prowl laughter cut off abruptly as he looked at the warlord. Megatron couldn't stop the whimper this time at the look in the red optics. He jumped as Prowl disappeared from his view in a spark beat, only to yelp in terror as he felt the smaller mech behind him, gripping his shoulder tightly.

"You will regret it."

The hissed words were the only warning he got before he was once again thrown to the ground. More energon was coughed up, turning the dirt into gross pinkish mud, before screams of agony rang out across the still battlefield as Prowl slowly crushed Megatron's remaining servo. Another blow to his helm silenced the screaming, the Praxian seemingly annoyed with the sound now as he reached down and viciously ripped the throat apart to get at the vocal box. Several horrified mechs noted at the back of their minds that the Praxian was being extremely careful not to rip the main fuel or energon lines out, just the vocal box.

Prowl straightened and moved further down the warlord's prone frame, once again bringing out his twin energon daggers. He drove them into the downed mech's shoulder guards and left them there. Every mechs shuddered at the amused laughter of the Praxian at the warlord's silent screams. Some had already glitched and were curled up on the ground, whimpering and shaking in terror. Others were holding onto comrades and silently wailing in horror. Prowl ignored all of it as he focused on his victim, taking time in destroying the remaining leg before heading back up to crouch beside the warlord's helm. Looking into Megatron's optics, Prowl waited until they cleared enough to recognize the Praxian's presence right in front of him.

Prowl smirked slightly at the fear that was prominent in Megatron's optics when the other finally realized there was no new pain. Keeping optic contact, Prowl casually reached over the warlord's shoulders to grab the energon daggers and yank them out. Playing with the daggers now in his servos, Prowl smiled down at the pained and terrified Decepticon leader.

Megatron flinched as Prowl reached towards him, patting him softly on the top of the helm like he was some sort of turbo-dog, "You know, you're pretty lucky! Do you know why?" he asked. Megatron shook his helm furiously.

Prowl frowned at the silence before he seemed to remember something, "Oh, that's right! You can't answer me properly because I ripped out your voice box… hmm, too bad," he mused before smiling happily down at Megatron, "But don't worry, little Megsie, I won't be mad at you for that! Do you want me to tell you why you're lucky?" The warlord nodded hesitantly, trying not to annoy the Praxian.

Prowl giggled, a sound that had many mechs crying in fear, "You're lucky because I have very good restraint! If this had happened while we were still on Cybertron… well, let's just say there would be no more war~! So, see? You're very lucky because you're still online, conscious even! And you don't even have very much permanent damage!" Everyone backed up even further at that comment as they took in the warlord's shredded appearance, energon liberally decorating the area surrounding the two with scraps of metal everywhere. It was worse than almost any horror show or novel back on Cybertron. And this was Prowl with _control?!_

The horrified silence made Prowl laugh harder.

"Yes, yes, it's true! I learned sooo much patience when I joined Optimus' crew! Back when I was still a civilian in Praxius, I didn't have nearly this much control over my temper! But luckily this kind of thing only happened once, during a festival with Vos. One of the visiting Seekers got a bit too _friendly_ and I didn't like it~… I think I might have scared a lot of mecha when I was teaching him a lesson about personal space!" He giggled again as comprehension started to dawn in Megatron's optics as he realized why the Seekers had been acting oddly along with Soundwave. "When I was done, he and his buddies understood personal space and respect quite well. It really was too bad he couldn't do much of anything after though..."

Megatron shook silently as he watched Prowl straighten. Finally, the Praxian's optics faded back into a purple hue before returning to his normal dark blue. Prowl turned and walked back towards the _ARK_ , ignoring the surrounding armies as they cleared a path for him. As he walked, he looked down at his frame, pouting slightly as he realized he was covered in Megatron's energon.

Prowl sighed, "And I just finished polishing myself too… Such a waste."

The entirety of the battlefield let out a silent sigh of relief as the insane Praxian disappeared in to the _ARK_ , a low _thump_ sounding as Megatron finally passed out.

_Stunned LINE BREAK_

The silence lasted for a few more breems before a loud CRACK startled everyone. Skywarp had reappeared above the battlefield with Starscream and Thundercracker. He disappeared again only to return a moment later with Soundwave. The Air Commander moved to hover in front of Optimus, the other two Seeker flanking him, as Soundwave went over to his downed leader.

"I think it would be appropriate for us to withdraw. I have a feeling Megatron will want to be rethinking a lot of things if—after he wakes up…" Starscream paused, "And please tell Prowl that this wasn't the Seeker's idea _at all_ ," he said seriously to a stunned Prime. The Decepticons were quick to follow the Seeker's lead and withdraw, Soundwave literally dragging the injured frame of his leader with him, heading back to their base before the Autobots could react.

Jazz watched the enemy retreat, thoughts still occupied with Prowl's sudden personality change and his vicious and slightly demonic beat-down of Megatron.

Sunstreaker was the first to break the newly settled silence with an awed _"Damn."_

Sideswipe laughed, optics glowing as he bounced in place. The red frontliner was quick to start up a thrilled commentary about what had just happened, enthusiastically recounting every moment as he ranted at his brother, arms flailing everywhere.

"… Ya know, if Ah'd known Prowler could do _tha'_ when he was pissed off, Ah woulda aimed him at the 'Cons a _long_ time ago…" Jazz mused.

Optimus gave him a Look and Ratchet snorted from his position next to an injured Wheeljack, his servos buried in the mass of exposed wires and cables showing at the hip. Ironhide looked like he wanted to glitch, his optics switching rapidly from the _ARK_ to where Megatron's unconscious frame had been only a few breems ago. The weapons specialist made a distressed noise and looked at Ratchet, who just laughed knowingly when he noticed it, and Ironhide was quick to turn to Optimus. The Prime, however, looked just as confused despite the Look he was giving the cheekily grinning Jazz.

Mirage sighed as he fazed back into view beside Hound, who had sparkles in his optics as he rambled to Trailbreaker about how Prowl acted exactly like a cat who was pissed off. The former noble face-palmed and groaned at the idiocy he was fated to be surrounded by. He scowled at Trailbreaker when the other mech patted him on the back sympathetically. Bumblebee was chuckling softly as Cliffjumper clung to his back like he was trying to wield himself to the yellow mech. The rest of the Autobots were in similar condition to Cliffjumper.

Sunstreaker was finally annoyed enough to smack Sideswipe upside the helm.

"Would you shut the frag up already?! It just happened! We don't need your commentary!"

Sideswipe laughed, "Aw, Sunny~, you know it was hot! I never knew how sexy Prowlie could be when he was mad!"

Sunstreaker growled and smacked his brother again, "DON'T CALL ME SUNNY!"

"HA! You didn't deny he was hot! I CALL DIBS!"

_End LINE BREAK_

 **A/N: Muahahaha! Lesson learned: Never pet Prowl. So, what do you think? Hilarious right? This little bad boy was spawned of a couple bunnies I found on the bunny farm and they wouldn't leave me alone! Review and tell me what you think! Spot mistakes or sentences that could use major clarification, feel free to leave a comment! I can always improve my writing~! [But for all potential flamers: Beware. My Seeker Trine is better than yours, and they are hard to keep in line.] Have an idea you want to send me or something you want me to write about? I don't mind! PM me and I'll try not to drop off the grid on you!** **And special thanks to all my reviewers: Rebel Fire Dark Claw, Fluffydruid, Giddy (guest), theoHIangurl, Toa Nonny, child of Jon snow, igeegeei, HeartsGuardianSol, Secret (guest), OceanSprings, Katanna Cain, Charizgrovsion, 2211Nighthawk, CarsCars2Fanatic, Daniel (guest), smokiesgirl, gillian of arenal, and all the unnamed guests! *squee* You all are amazing and I love you! Till next time~ R. Owl**


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